End of Year Recap & Reflection

 Dear Reader,

I don't know if I speak for all of us or for myself when I say this year has been okay. But I am grateful for all of the readers that have read my work and supported me along the way. Without your reads, this would just be a public diary. Thank you for believing in me.

But back to the year, 2024 has been a rollercoaster of emotions; one day everything is well, and the next everything is going to hell. So grab a drink or snack, sit down, and let me yap and overshare about my year in this public diary.

The year began so well, with high hopes and exciting plans for the future. Well, that went to shit really quick (sorry for the cursing; it's the only way I can describe it well), but I guess that's just life sometimes. In all truth, my dance with death gave me a new perspective in life. And if I am being honest, it was the highlight of the year. It is different when you are suicidal, and when death itself comes knocking, you no longer have control over the situation. It's a strange feeling, knowing that you no longer have power over your own fate. Dear readers, there is nothing lonelier than a hospital bed; a little context if you care to listen. Nothing brings you to the knowledge of your lonely life like being pinned to a hospital bed with no one but your cellphone while every bed around you is filled with happiness and laughter and love and family. I would watch all these, smile at them, put my head under the sheets, and cry myself to sleep. E would visit, and I'd be so grateful; I would wait for B's and D's calls like my life depended on them. Those days I questioned a lot; I asked God why I was here and alive because it didn't seem to matter to anyone. I questioned my worth or value; if I had died, my brother's world would have been shaken—only him—and that meant all the people I thought cared didn't. And for days I thought and cried. I lost track of time, so days after my surgery, I woke up somehow filled with newfound purpose, so after my daily stuff, I shut the curtains to my bed, sat up in my bed, and prayed till I slept. For what, you wonder? For the burden of caring too much. And so God, being merciful as He is, lifted it, so now I just let go; I don't force, and I have known peace.

For the first time in years, my mind has been at peace, and I am so grateful. This year I have known more peace than in the past fifteen years. It may not seem like much, but for someone who was on the verge of a mental breakdown, this is huge. This year I traveled, experienced new food, and met new people. Stepped out of my comfort zone, became a bit more social, joined a book club and a poetry club, and joined a dating/mingling group, which was quite interesting and out of my comfort zone. I had so much fun with these groups, left some, but stayed in a few. And so did most of the relationships I had with people I met recently and some people who had been with me for years. When I said let go, I really meant it wouldn't matter how much I loved you, but how much it was reciprocated. Also something I have known but just started working on this year is the people-pleasing tendencies and my constant nature of giving. It is a good thing, but when it has boundaries, mine hasn't had any in years. Trust me to get to the root of it; I did, but I won't share it; it will seem like putting blame. I worked so much on my cooking skills this year and experimented a lot more than I would usually do. And honestly, I loved it so much; it brought back my love for food. I equally tasted more food and different flavors. Read so many books too, and for the first time in my life I thought about getting into a romantic relationship and being in a romantic relationship; don't worry, it was short-lived. (laughs in singleness)

To conclude, I am in love with who I became; of course, there are parts I would like to delete from this year, but what is life without bad and embarrassing moments? But most importantly, my relationship with God became stronger and more intimate, and I have grown so much too. One day I will share what I experienced. I lived, I loved, I loved myself more, I experienced new tastes, and I met new people. Went out of my comfort zone and grown as a person.

And so to 2024, thank you; we had our lows, but I'll choose to focus on the highs. Thank you for the laughter and the cries and joy. Truly a year indeed.

To my readers, again, thank you for being here and reading and commenting. Hope to see you more this year, God willing. Happy holidays and Happy 2025! Love you guys!