Decentering gossip and men

 

As African women, there is this thing we do that gives men our entire identity. Don't get me wrong: I adore men, but I also love myself more. Giving guys the freedom to do the bare minimum sets a precedent that can lead to women exhibiting overly masculine behaviours, which can be frustrating. Society frequently gives us a script before we are even old enough to speak. From a young age, societal expectations regarding gender, beauty, achievement, and behaviour begin to mould individuals' perceptions and choices. These expectations can put internal pressure on people to perform rather than live true lives. For example, someone may pursue a career, lifestyle, or relationship that appears to be successful on paper but is hollow on the inside. Others may suppress aspects of themselves, queerness, creativity, gentleness, and anger, to fit into the mould that society considers acceptable. These expectations often create a web of 'shoulds' that suffocate one's authentic self-expression, overshadowing the inner voice that guides personal growth. Connecting with yourself is frequently more about unlearning than learning. I used to think being a 'good woman' meant being agreeable, supportive, and always available. I stayed in relationships longer than I should have, bent over backward to avoid conflict, and lost touch with my creativity. Then I went on a solo trip, something small, just a weekend away. I didn't have to take care of anyone, explain myself, or worry about how I looked. I just was. And in that stillness, I found joy in writing again, in walking aimlessly, and in saying ‘no’ without a reason. That trip didn’t fix everything, but it cracked something open. I realised I had built a life around other people’s needs. I'm learning to prioritise my own happiness and well-being.

So, how can you shift the focus away from men and towards your own self-discovery? First, discover yourself, and by "find yourself", I mean when it's just you, no work, no man, no kids, and no friendships, relationships, or acquaintances. What stimulates and motivates you, your preferences and dislikes, your values, deal breakers, limits, and so on.

Learn to be alone yourself. Spend time with yourself, whether at home or on a date. Make room for you to truly fall in love with yourself. Be yourself and feel comfortable with yourself. Embrace yourself, including your fears and imperfections. Self-love goes beyond surface treatments like bubble baths and affirmations; it involves embracing radical acceptance of oneself, including both strengths and imperfections. It's about understanding you're valuable, even if you're not producing, pleasing, or faultless. When we love ourselves, we are less inclined to accept toxic relationships, expend too much energy, or betray our ideals. Self-love fosters a healthy interpersonal dynamic. You communicate more effectively, create clear limits, and identify red flags faster. More significantly, you create a secure zone for yourself, and that stability may permeate every aspect of your life. From a Christian standpoint, God should only be the focal point of your entire existence, and if you can't make yourself and your purpose your identity, make God yours. Perhaps it's time to reassess your friendships and acquaintances.

Self-discovery is the journey of understanding who we truly are, our desires, values, strengths, fears, and boundaries, separate from what we’ve been told to be. In many cultures, especially those shaped by patriarchy, women and marginalised genders are often socialised to define themselves in relation to men, as partners, carers, or supporters. Decentering men in the process of self-discovery isn’t about rejecting relationships with men but about reclaiming space for oneself. It’s about asking, Who am I when no one else is watching? What do I want outside of being wanted? By turning our attention inward, we unlock a sense of clarity and strength in our identities, transcending roles as daughters, partners, or mothers to embrace ourselves as complete individuals with unique dreams and rhythms. By shifting the focus inward, we can find clarity and power in our own identities, not just as daughters, partners, or mothers, but as whole individuals.