When “I Don’t Know How” Becomes a Power Play

 

Dear Reader,

We’ve all heard it. Mostly ladies.

“I don’t know how to do that.” “You’re better at it anyway.” “You should’ve just asked.”

On the surface, these may seem like innocent comments, harmless even. But beneath them lies a deeply ingrained behaviour called weaponised incompetence, and it’s not just frustrating, it’s dangerous. Because it doesn’t only affect romantic relationships, it seeps into parenting, workplaces, friendships, and our expectations of each other as human beings.

Weaponised incompetence is when someone pretends to be bad at a task (or does it poorly) to avoid having to do it again. It’s laziness dressed up as helplessness. It’s privilege masquerading as forgetfulness.

And it’s everywhere.

The African Household & the Training Ground of Incompetence.

In many African homes, and this needs to be said with love and honesty, weaponised incompetence often starts with how we raise our children. Daughters are taught to clean, cook, and care for others from an early age. Sons? They're taught to wait. To ask. To expect.

Mothers will say, “Go serve your brother food,” to a daughter, even when the brother is closer to the kitchen. Or “Don’t bother your brother with chores; he’s a boy.”

This isn’t just favouritism. This is social programming.

We raise girls to anticipate needs and fix problems. We raise boys to depend on women for the basic skills of life, and then we wonder why our adult daughters are exhausted and our sons are clueless.

This Isn’t Just About Gender, It’s About Accountability

Weaponised incompetence thrives wherever expectations are uneven and responsibility is dodged. Whether it’s a man who won’t cook, a colleague who “forgets” team tasks, or a friend who always lets you plan everything, this pattern hurts. It drains the doer and enables the dodger.

It’s not about ability. It’s about effort.

It’s not that they can’t. It’s that they won’t, because someone else always will.

So What Do We Do?

1. Call it out, kindly but firmly. Start with “I’ve noticed…” and be clear on what’s not okay.

2. Stop rescuing people from responsibility. It might mean things are done imperfectly, but they’re being done.

3. Raise kids differently. Teach all children to cook, clean, care, and communicate, regardless of gender.

4. Set boundaries. You don’t have to carry what others refuse to even try.

Weaponised incompetence isn’t love. It’s not respect. And it’s certainly not partnership.

It’s time we stop rewarding helplessness and start valuing shared effort, at home, in relationships, and in society.