Grief

 

We all like to tell people grieving how to feel, how to act, and the timeline to feel better, among other things. And if we are being 100% honest, it's very outrageous, but that's beside the point. Grief is not linear; there isn't a specific way to grieve. A year or so down the line people start to talk about "moving on" or "getting over it," but the truth is, grief shifts; it doesn't disappear. Some days you are okay; some days something as small as a song, smell, taste, or a random memory pulls you back in. And that's normal.

The statement "time heals," or something of the same meaning, really frustrates me. Time doesn't heal, and this isn't a bad thing; the ache is proof of our love for the people or thing we have lost. How we miss them, how much they meant to us. And someday, they will be a fond memory, a fond story to talk about. Will the ache be there? Yes, but not as profound as you feel at the moment of the loss. You will speak of them with so much love and fondness; the pain won't be overwhelming anymore. Grief isn't just sadness; it's anger, numbness, confusion, and even laughter in moments that feel "wrong." Why so many emotions? Because your body and brain are trying to process something so huge, they do it in waves.

Love and loss are two sides of the same coin. We only grieve deeply what we loved deeply. Sometimes grief is really love with nowhere to go. And so I recommend writing them letters or talking about them to find a place to redirect the love. And with that, I add on, there isn't really a right way to grieve. Some cry and wail daily; others don't at all. All are valid. We also have to remind ourselves that there are gentler ways to grieve; sharing the weight through community, therapy, prayers, or just candid conversations can make it lighter to carry. And sometimes it's just letting yourself feel without judgment. We don't isolate; if we do, it will swallow us whole. Additionally, understanding grief helps us cope just a bit, and so even though it is not linear and it is overwhelming, having the following information at the back of your mind helps you understand what you are dealing with.

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s "Five Stages of Grief," there are five stages of grief:

1. Denial: disbelief, shock, and numbness.

2. Anger: resentment, frustration, and rage directed to yourself, others, or God.

3. Bargaining: wishing you could change things and trying to make sense of it.

4. Depression: hopelessness, deep sorrow, and withdrawal. Some don't get past this stage.

5. Acceptance: This doesn't mean "moving on"; rather, we learn to live with the loss.

Some psychologists argue that there are seven stages:

1. Shock & denial.

2. Pain & anger.

3. Depression or reflection, or loneliness.

4. The upward turn. (starting to cope)

5. Reconstruction (finding ways forward)

6. Acceptance & hope.

With all that said, I truly believe that grief doesn't shrink. We grow around it. As time goes on, our lives expand enough to hold the loss without it swallowing us whole. And so be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself. Take time to feel the feels, but don't let it incapacitate you. Be around people who have been genuine about their love for you, allow yourself to breathe, and be cared for. I promise you are still strong. But most importantly, lean on God. However you are feeling today is valid, so lean on Him; He listens when you feel like no one is.

To: Andy,

With love and gentleness,

Ivy.